So we had our first and second birthing class. I am NOT happy about birth or labor. We watched women grimacing and moaning in pain, and horrifying birthing positions. Who the hell says labor is normal and natural? It is the most ugly, non-normal thing I think I've ever seen! Remember I did grow up on a farm, and have seen plenty of animals born with no problems or irrational feelings. But humans? I have been traumatized for life, and this baby is coming out through my abdomen, if I have to plead and beg, and promise things I don't have, I am not having a natural birth, it disgusts me, I have no other way of describing it but horrifying and disgusting. I feel inferior to Matt because of the positions I will be in, and the pain that I have to endure that he will witness from me. I am bringing this up to my doctor on Tuesday, because I can not have this baby natural.
I hope I haven't offended anyone by my writing, as these decisions are such personal decisions, but my feelings are very strong and I'm afraid if I have to be forced to have this baby natural than it will be a long, drawn out, horrible, labor. This may indeed stem from never being ready to have kids in the first place? Who knows, but I am not happy at the moment.
Oh, and about that baby's room? Am I enjoying putting it together? No, it's more of a chore for me than anything, something that I have to get done, and it might not, because I am not making it a priority, no matter how many to-do lists I put it on, it's just not working for me.
Back pain? I have tons, sciatica plus middle muscle fatigue. I've been getting a pregnancy massage once a week, I bought a cradle that looks like a lifting belt, and I have an appointment with the chiropractor next week. But, the pain is still there.
Another fear is that this baby will come out and I will resent it for changing our life, and causing me pain now and during birth. I hope that it doesn't happen, and that the human instincts will kick in, but right now this poor little pea pod hasn't done a thing, and I am upset.
I don't feel like posting a belly pic. Maybe next week?
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7 comments:
Oh Kate, I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I never liked pregnancy either. The whole thing is extremely challenging mentally and physically and it lasts beyond the birth. I'm trying to get my bleeping body back in shape now and it's so hard! Just finding the time and energy!!!
So with that pep talk I'm sure you feel much better. I do have a big but (and butt!) though. The joys your child will bring you are going to make it all worth it. You of all people know how special family is..and they all start as babies! I had to have another because of how amazing Gwen is. Millions of women do it Kate. You're going to love it ... eventually.
I had some of the same feelings that you do- but not as strongly. I also didn't go to a birthing class that showed video.... I had two normal (not c's) deliveries- no weird positions, no groaning, yes epidural's. Today I am glad I don't have an incision scar/majory surgery done to me.
You have every right to feel how you are- seems like a pregnancy rut. I feel for you!
The two best days of my life were the days my daughters were born and because I had them "naturally" I was able to move around without help and leave the hospital early. The hospital stay is the worst...
You won't be pregnany forever! The baby will change your life forever- you won't realize how much more joyous life can get with a little one around.
You will be a great mom, no matter what the nursery looks like, or how you feel about childbrith.
Dearest Katie Babe, You will do Ok as the majority of women thru out history have (that's what I had to keep telling myself) but I really understand your feelings and am proud of you for being so honest. Half of your genes are Myers genes and my labor lasted 3 hours. In hosp. at 5 AM, baby born at 8 AM. Love you lots and positive vibes from me to the west! Jo
Someone's a little crabby today... All those hormones shooting around! Poor Matt!! LOL!!! I love you. You know I don't have any, but I have to believe Jocelyn that it will all be worth it for the unconditional love that you feel for your peapod... hang in there! And it's okay to be ornery... we understand ;)
Oh, Katie, dear! I feel awful that you're having these feelings...and then feeling bad about having these feelings...vicious cycle, huh!? After knowing you so well for this long, I am positive that these feelings will pass! Maybe not until you are holding your new little one, but things will kick in for you, I just know it!! Remember how you hated dogs and never wanted to own a pet!? After seeing you basically making out with Ace in the back seat on the way home from Spain, I can't even fathom the idea that you won't be a billion times more crazy about your little tio pepe!! So, hang in there and feel whatever feeling you need to feel right now, things will fall into place eventually and all will feel natural as you and Matt begin a perfect little family!! Love you, sweetie!!!
Okay, so I'm going to state the obvious here. What the hell kind of birthing class tortures an expectant mother with a video??? There is a BIG difference with being prepared and watching a live horror film. Had I watched a movie I would be freaked out too.
On a lighter note, remember many mothers that have one child plan and make a decision to have a second, third, and fourth...Those women have experienced labor and delivery first hand and if it were as bad as watching someone else go through it, I don't think it would be happening on a daily basis as it does. The most important thing left out of watching that movie is that at the end you are holding a life in your arms that you and your husband created TOGETHER. He/She is 1/2 of you and 1/2 of Matt and whether you believe it or not it, it is impossible to not love something that is part of you already. You are a strong, powerful woman and I promise you this will not be what you expect.
Oh, Katie! Pregnancy is one of the toughest things you'll have to endure. But like all these other women have said it is one of the best things that can ever happen, too. It's probably difficult for you to see that right now, but in time you will. You will not be pregnant forever and your end is near. I love you and we'll talk this week! :)
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